Things I’ve Learned:
1. We can’t afford it.
2. It takes at least 15 minutes just to pass through the lobby/casino/mall/ground floor of any hotel to get to where you’re going. The blinking lights and clinking sounds and in-your-face STUFF sends you into a stupor. Your mind shuts down and you walk dazedly around until suddenly you realize you were trying to get somewhere.
3. Distances are deceptive. Objects in front of you are further than they appear.
4. It is possible to get decent food (yogurt, fruit, etc.), but it’s gonna cost you.
5. There are no grocery stores, but if there were some, you wouldn’t be able to get to them (see #3).
6. My children are just a few years shy of the average age of the casino workers.
7. Is it possible to be raised in Las Vegas and avoid working for a casino? If Zia or Brant ever wanted to don one of those outfits and pimp their appearance for tips, would I allow it? Could I stop them?
8. Everyone smokes everywhere.
9. Tournament of the Kings is quite fun for the young’uns. However, be aware that the DRAGON Knight is the baaaaad knight. So if you pick that section because DRAGON sounds more exciting than Russia or France or Hungary, and your kids look at you in horror when they realize they’re supposed to be rooting for the bad guy, just grin at them and yell as loud as you can and pound on the table when the bad guy comes by. They’ll either get into it (Brant) or be the only one in the section cheering for someone else (Zia).
10. It’s not safe to put me in the kids gambling area. I get carried away.
11. It’s really not safe to put me in the kids gambling area when not many people are around – because then you can play those games where you win a stuffed animal and if you compete against a family member, one of you will win. Score! If you keep on playing, you can trade up for a bigger animal. Score! And if you play more games, you win more stuffed animals. Score!
12. When your kids are wearing a queen and a knight costume because of the show they just saw (#9), random adults like to give them their extra tickets. Thus, on their first night in Las Vegas they learn that a) gambling is okay (and fun!), and b) it’s okay to dress up for the pleasure of others because they give you things.
13. Chalk up another parenting failure for me – now we know the answer to #7.
14. I want to dress up in costumes and play make believe knights and dragons and pirates and things like that.
15. Until your kids ask about the random pictures of naked people doing strange things to each other, don’t bring their attention to it.
16. If your child wants to pick up a balloon out of the hotel’s trash – make sure that it wasn’t from a bachelorette party and that it’s not in the shape of a penis before you give him/her the okay.